Be Forewarned, I am a Fey and Quixotic Creative Writer

Be Forewarned, I am a Fey and Quixotic Creative Writer
And in the End was the Word, Amy's Word

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Saturday, February 24, 2018

waiting game

I am in the waiting game part of my cancer issue.  I waited for the gi doctor appointment, i waited for the ct scan report, and i am waiting for the colonoscopy, i wait to undergo the gi prep for the colonoscopy....then i will wait for the pathology report from the biopsy done during the colonoscopy.  Wait for possible surgery...I researched and found that if I have cancer I will probably be given 5 fu which will cause me to be nauseous and lose my hair.  Average life expectancy for cecum cancer is nineteen months.  I want to make it to two years so I can leave my children some life insurance.

I fixed my will and put both children back into the will.

My only sadness in life is the loss of the trust of my son-in-law.  He does not want me in his home.  Years ago I was worried about sex abuse and called the family in to social services.  No sex abuse findings came about.  My son- in- law fears for me to be in his home thinking I might call in again.  I would not do that.  I believe him to be a good parent and would not call in again.  I was afraid as I had been abused, that sex abuse was some how normalized in my immediate family.  I don't believe calling in makes any difference if there was something going on.  It just creates a war in the family.  I don't believe now that there is anything going on.  When I was ill I believed my family to be under mind control and to be being experimented on by the government.  I don't think about that anymore, but you cannot fight the government, whether I believed it or not.

If I am dying, will that soften my son-in-law's heart, will he let me under his roof?   My sisters might have gotten wind from my daughter that cancer is a real possibility in my life, yet they have not called.  That must mean they do not care to make amends.

It does prove what I have believed, though, that my family interactions were abusive in nature.  What kind of sister would not reach out to a dying sister, one whose illness might be more than mental, but have an organic origin like a tumor messing up the serotonin in my brain?

I will wait to see if they come to me at my deathbed.  I hope to be able to go to a hospice house like the House of John in Clifton Springs or the Keuka Comfort Home in Penn Yan.

My therapist is very supportive as is my injection nurse (the shut up shot).  The NP seemed to think an appointment three months out was soon enough.  Imagine that --I might be dying but three months out is okay for my pseudo psychiatrist visit?  Amazing.

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