Be Forewarned, I am a Fey and Quixotic Creative Writer

Be Forewarned, I am a Fey and Quixotic Creative Writer
And in the End was the Word, Amy's Word

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Friday, February 16, 2018

The People at the Lake

I have a had a difficult road with the bipolar which has made me to treacherous things to people.  I still am curious as to why I was rejected years ago by the people at the lake.  The people at the lake were my parents friends and my friends, but they did not want to interact with me after I married my farmer.  My parents would take my children to their cottage and visit them in Philidelphia and I was left out of the group.  Even prior to my illness these friendships fell away.  I acted out after being rejected and further secured their disdain and disinterest of me.  In 2004 I alienated a certian David F. after I wrote his wife to tell her she was a sacrificial lamb in the group as I had been.  When I was hallucinating I imagined these folks to have been Satanic and that they had put curses on me.  One of my recurring delusions is that people near me are Satanic.  They might not be satanic, but they certainly are unforgiving.

One summer my pubic hair had grown in and my mother had not told me to shave so I did not shave my bikini line.  I recall being embarrassed by the long pubic hairs on my thighs but too shy to shave as I had not been guided to.  Perhaps they thought i was some kind of Lolita, wanting people to ooggle my pubic hair.  Maybe this sexual situation was the first to shock and annoy them.  I have heard stories of other people being ostracized because of not shaving.

I thought that someone who worked for an organization who champions rights would be interested in my theories of human rights violations and when she did not respond I told her employer in an email.  That forever skunked that friendship possibility, even though it was already non existant.  For twenty some years she had not been intersted it me.  One reason I found out was that my letter writing was a bore.  I always started out my letters as a child to her with "how are you? I am fine."  This never varied and I thought it funny.  She thought me to be intellectually challenged and judged me as non worthy of her friendship, because it appeared as if I was dull.

The culture at the lake was not one where in people reinforced each others egos.  No, rather is was marked by competitive language and what my mother always called "PUT DOWNS".  One time I asked my galpal, if she was still living at their friends mansion.  I got called on the carpet for being nosey and medling in their financial affairs.  I only meant it innocently.  The nature of many of their interactions were condescending, so when I asked where she was living it was taken wrong.  The friendship was never the same after that.

I was the first to marry of any of them and the first to have children and now I see that reason for that, I would be the first of my generation to cross over to the land of the dead.  I had to rush into life in order that I would see my children's children.

The person above who I wrote my monatonous letter greetings to has a low tolerance of christians and believes them to be hypocrites.  I have several christian friends and they are very kind and not as competitive psychologically as the lake people were.  What is the meaning for our time on earth?  Is it to love and be loved?  The lake people don't love me, the former family of my husband's don't love me and I have several friends who have abondoned me.  There are good people in the world.  I know that I have hurt people and I am thankful for the people who care about me and realize that my mind is not under my control when I am sick with the bipolar delusions.

I felt very bonded to these friends at the lake, but it was not reciprocated.....They were my culture but I did not measure up.  Did I go wacko from rejection or was I rejected cuz I was wacko?

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