Be Forewarned, I am a Fey and Quixotic Creative Writer

Be Forewarned, I am a Fey and Quixotic Creative Writer
And in the End was the Word, Amy's Word

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Friday, October 6, 2017

What Made Me Such a Narcissist?

I was just recently diagnosed by Cindy Newcomb Lanes admin assistant as being a narcissist.  I believe that is someone inordinately in love with ones self.  Mark put out a comment on my Evil Entrepreneurs post with my latest diagnosis.  I have often wondered if I was a narcissist.  Mark sent out the suggestion that I get my medication levels straightened around so that I am not as sensitive to insults, such as being laughed at when I went there for help.  When I pass their establishment I am actually saddened that we did not connect about what we have in common.  I am still a licensed practicing nurse and I still communicate with the dead.  My experience is not valid, though as I have been stamped with a mental illness stigma.  Why am I so in love with myself?  That is the question.  Here are some possible reasons,

1. Rule out medical first.  Start with the medical reason.  My dad gave me bone meal and dolomite to chew on.  He thought he was giving me strong bones , but instead gave me a low dose of lead poisoning.
2.  I married at 19 because my boyfriend begged me never to leave him.  I sacrificed my happiness to keep our family together for 23 years.  It started because I wanted warm little babies to love.
3.  I never experienced romantic love till I was in my fifties.  Finding love is the goal of the adolescent and young adult per psychological development.  I was always searching for love in all the wrong places when I was married.  That is why I like the story of the Lady with the little dog.  A Russian novella mentioned in Ralph Fiennes "the Reader", movie.  He also explores illicit love in his movie, The Invisible Woman.  This showed me how strong our need is to be loved as humans beings, and that Romantic love transcends societal rules.

I was extremely vexed by my inability as a woman to find romantic love for over thirty years.  There was Stephen my brother in law, then the pediatrician and other professionals....one man after another with which I struck out.  I must have at some point decided loving my reflection was better than the rejection I constantly received from men.

I was searching for non romantic love, acceptance and validation from Cindy Lane Newcomb, but I got rejection and mockery.

Is mockery the latest treatment for narcissism?

I do enjoy drawing self portraits and I have believed myself to be the center of the universe, as my conscious experience is all that I know.  I actually have believed I was Mary Magdalen reincarnated.  Low self esteem is supposedly the cause of megalomania.  Do narcissists have low self esteem while being inordinately in love with themselves?  Or are they diametric opposites?  I think that the lead poisoning by my well intentioned father is the root cause of my horrible selfish personality.  I don't think that my heart being blessed by Mark will cure me of that, but I am thankful for his blessing.

Doping people so they continually take psychological abuse is a pet peeve of mine so I have to disagree that I need to take more medications.

Interestingly, last year when I was sick, I painted all the mirrors in my home.  Would a true narcissist do such a thing?

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