Be Forewarned, I am a Fey and Quixotic Creative Writer

Be Forewarned, I am a Fey and Quixotic Creative Writer
And in the End was the Word, Amy's Word

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Saturday, December 30, 2017

On Being Normal

I took down many of my old posts as I am trying to appear as sane as possible.  I have a respectable job now and I am trying to be an appropriate member of the community.  That is pretty bad, hiding who I am to fit in.  If you read any of my posts from 2015 or 16 they are a little out there.  I can see when I read them that my mind was not right.  I was very creative though and I probably should put them back up as a time line testament to my progress to normalcy.  Normal is a tough idea for me.  Am I normal now?  No, it is not the norm to have experienced what I did, so I guess it is impossible to ever be normal.  I guess I can be a normal person with an interesting past.  Do I want to be normal?  What is the norm for personalities?  I am not a conformist, but I must conform to societal norms so that I can keep my freedom and my ability to earn a living.  I would never want to scare people or make anyone fear me.  That is the downside of being different.  People fear what is unusual and can imagine that you are dangerous.  I have never been dangerous to anybody.

I enjoy nursing.  The legal troubles that my family gave me in response to my mental state now are echoing through the New York State education department.  A person with a license is expected to uphold normal behavior.  I have a misdemeanor criminal record so that has to be figured out with the state.  I doubt if they will be too hard on me, as I have come a long way towards recovery.  It will be a 500 dollar fine, at least.  I want to be able to continue with my nursing career.  I want to fit in with society and be a normal nice person who practices nursing.

Saturday, December 23, 2017

Beware of Scammers on

I was fooled.  I am on and was scammed by a man posing as a doctor.  The doctor, dr. Chris Brodkin had his pictures stolen off of his facebook profile by the imposter.  The imposter was a man with an accent and claimed to be Danish.  I was very excited about meeting a Danish American.  There were several things that were suspicious: wrong age of person.  he said he was 55 but his computer report on intellius said 43.  spelling of his name brodkins vs brodkin.  his email said brodkins, but the doctor is brodkin.  he told me in an email he was brodkins.  some profile about him said he had one child, the christopher in real life has two according to his facebook page.  I blocked him on the phone and reported the suspicious activity.  I am forever grateful that the real doctor brodkin put up a video  on face book with his own voice which had no accent what so ever. 
every person has a unique voice.

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

tips on beans and rice

Today I purchased a laptop, refurbished.  I will be able to blog more with ease with a wider keyboard.  Now all I need is my imagination and drive to return to sharing all the exciting things going on in my life.  I probably share too much.

I learned something about rice and beans.  There is a bacteria that can cause left over rice to be toxic, even when reheated.  At the same time I discovered this I found rice precooked in plastic containers ready made to eat.  I finally made black beans the correct way.  The correct way is to cook them with baking soda.    One can cook black beans for four hours and they still are crunchy, add baking soda and they cook in much less time, perhaps an hour and fifteen minutes.  I added a teaspoon of baking soda to about a cup of beans and two and a half cups of water.  I drained the water, part way through the cooking process and refreshed with non baking soda infused water.  I mixed them with some cumin and precooked brown rice out of the plastic package.  The brown rice had traveled back and forth to work with me for about a week.  I finally heated it up with the black beans.  

Friday, December 8, 2017

The Last Thirty

The Last Thirty

The final period of life

will it be spent with
love and companionship?

I love to cook, travel,
keep a home

Will this be done with someone
or all alone?

I am on match dot com again, this time trying to make my profile bright and shiney to attract a good partner for the rest of my life.  I am successful at my job, pretty much, although I am slow at tedious computer data input, but I believe it would  be great to find a man that wants to spend time with me.  I have a lot to offer, when I am stable and I intend to stay that way.  I figure I have, provided I don't die from something unexpected, thirty more years.  This could be the best thirty years of my life.   Adventure might await!  It is my birthday this month and I am turning 57.
If you want to see my match profile, I am findable as stargazer near Penn Yan NY.

Saturday, November 25, 2017

why so few posts?

Why so few posts?  For one thing, I am "working for the man" and that takes much of my energy.  Another is that I am over medicated and have no creative thought processes or energy.  I raked my leaves to the roadside, this year, unlike last year and I am dealing with sharing living space in my 960 square foot home.  I don't believe it would be polite to share my frustrations on line, on my blog.  Things seem to be a bit better, with the exception of the accusation that I am easier to live with after my shot is administered.  Yeah right, when bonked with a chemical mental restraint, I have less issues to complain about.  I have home pride, like the bread name.  I like my house to look lovely.  Old kitty litter stinks for example, I am less likely to be obnoxious about the litter if my brain has been conveniently bonked with neuroleptic medication.

I now make too much money to get a 2000 dollar  a month shot for free.  I will have to switch to more affordable generic pills, and I will have to take them as ordered.  I will have new insurance in January.
 The job is going okay, but I lack confidence.  My confidence essence is directly related to my shot, less medication more confidence.  Too much medication, no confidence.

Sunday, November 12, 2017

Stranger Things Personal Review

I am watching Stranger Things on Netflix.  It is about mk ultra and different dimensions.  I enjoy watching it as I believe and have believed since 2014 that I am a part of the MK ULTra studies.

What about the series did I find correlated with my real experience?  One of the main characters, Mike has the physical facial features of my gal pal Amelia had as a child. same nose, eyes and mouth and mannerisms.

When I was out there in my mind in 2016, experiencing another dimension, my garage was slimed.  Not a huge area, just a few siding tiles had this strange goop on them.

  I see things in my closed eye vision, phosphenes, they are called.  Last night I wore my emf silver band around my head and had many more dreams than usual and I experienced phosphenic visions while awaking.  I had not experienced them in a while.

Unlike the story, I don't see monsters in the other dimension.  I see angles and demons and the demons are not evil, they are spirit manifestations that are good to me.  I see another dimension as being good and the shadow dimension is more what are reality is.  After all, all our human inventions are killing the planet, what is more shadow than that?

But,  will say that the monsters in the series were similar to my vampire cat episode in my life.  The vampire cat wanted to suck blood from a half dead chicken and was disappointed when it was cooked. The vampire cat story is another blog entry.
Steiff animals played a role in my early life as they did in Amelia's life as in the movie, especially the lion and the spotted leopard.  They are German and the Germans are a part of mk ultra.

The white cat was  used in the series, the little girl is supposed to be taught to hurt the cat with mind energy.  The white cat was a lure to the little girls murders in the alphabet murder event which occured here in the Rochester and Finger Lakes.

I enjoy seeing the products used in the early eighties and the actors are somewhat annoying.  Wynona Ryder over acts but that must be the effect the directors wanted as in the series twin peaks. (other directors).

Sunday, October 22, 2017

Halloween Cactus

My mother made this planter and I was given a christmas cactus in 2002 by my son for my birthday.  It was a Thanksgiving bloomer but this remnant cutting is blooming earlier this year...could be a sign of global warming!  I painted  the awakened eyes on the planter

I was afraid that the blossoms would fall off if the lighting changed when I brought it in, but they did not.  I brought it in due to fear of frost.

The Best Pizza in PennYan

There are different types of pizzas to be had in Penn Yan New York.  There is Cam's New York style pizza, Mark's Pizza, Pizza Hut and Silver Bird.  I had pizza in New York City in the oldest brick oven Pizzeria in the country, Lombardi's in 2003.  The closest that I have ever come to that experience is Silverbird.   There is a brick oven pizzaria in Victor, NY, Luca' that is also very good...but we are talking about Penn Yan pizzas.  I was told though that thicker dough is New york style, but when I personally recall Pizza that I have eaten in NYC I think of old world style.  I have eaten pizza at all the listed restaurants in Penn Yan, and my favorite restaurant is Silver Bird Woodfired.  I would post a link, but have not figured out how to link with a tablet.

My grandson loved chewing on the crust, and we had a great discussion about babies and allowing them to learn to navigate the skill of chewing.    A 12 month olds needs to learn about taking appropriate bites and to police to strictly out of fear of choking is doing them a disservice.    I recall giving my babies zweibeck toast, which also softened in their mouths like pizza crust.   These days the trend in baby feeding is to  mince their foods into teeny tiny pieces which I believe is a sign of people who live in a culture of fear.  Trust that your baby has the instinct to eat without choking.  If they gag a bit then they will take smaller bites.  The real dangers of choking lie in foods like peanuts, and grapes which might lodge in a wind pipe, or foods such as marshmallows.  This is a tangential conversation, though, as the topic of this blog entry is the best Pizza in Penn Yan.  My one year old grandson votes with me as he just loved the crust at Silverbird.  I took a bite out of this piece, you can see my teeth marks.  (not too photogenic)  This pizza is called the Phoenix and it has feta cheese and olives, basil and balsamic vinegar.  The service was good, and usually is.  Friday evening is pretty busy there.  There are old fashioned games to play, like a bowling game from the `1940's.  There is a bar and so you can accompany your piece of pizza with a glass of wine, if you like.

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

is Leo a Maine Coon Cat?

I first thought that my little kitten was a Turkish Angora, but a friend took one look at him and said, "He looks like he has some Maine coon cat in him"  I had thought that maine coon cats were always raccoon colors, but Leo's coloring is a Cream mackerel which is one of the three most common Maine coon colors.  His behavior is similar to Maine coon cat traits.  He likes water and he makes more trilling noises than meows.  His fur is ultra soft.  He has tufted feet and they are big.  He is a very big five month old kitten.
He could be a regular old domestic longhair, or a moggie, but I think he has coon cat in him.

Friday, October 13, 2017

Amy Brandlin and Her Seven Demons

Amy, with all this Harvey Weinstein stuff in the news, tell us have any men ever expected you to put out in order to advance your career?

I was abused by men in a different way.  I was fragile searching for love and an easy mark for emotional abuse.  My emotional abusers were male doctors.  I flirted with my pediatrician for ten years and we parted on difficult terms.  He wanted to accuse me of being a stalker, but I never stalked anyone. Driving by a house and looking does not qualify as stalking, or does even an occasional hand written note.  He toyed with my emotions as it soothed his ego to have my admiration and sexual frustration.  I wrote a note to his wife and apologized (that was the clincher in that sordid situation.)  Do I feel shame about that whole drama?

No, I was lonely and isolated without many friends or social interactions and I hid in a make believe harbor that somebody appreciated me.  That was a delusion.  I was deluded thinking that I was actually loved.  I had a great therapist, Dr. Fass, and she gave me the book, Love in the Forbidden Zone, or perhaps it was titled Sex in the Forbidden Zone.  It outlines how men in powerful positions misuse the trust given to them.  This includes professors, doctors, etc. who think it okay to flirt and have affairs with patients, or students.  These men have a fatherly role with women. For me, having had a very quiet father who did not pay much attention to me, I was an easy mark.  Like I said previously, my marriage was not satisfying for just was not there for me in my heart. I was easily caught up in desiring men who I could not have.

I was diagnosed as being crazy, so anything I said would not be believed, another reason that I was an easy mark.  Gaslight, is a term that could apply here, as I went crazy over several of these men, after they flirted with me.

I had a bad reputation from the interactions so that is why I identified with the Mary Magdalen of Christianity.  I was a practicing Catholic so people thought I was such a hypocrite.  I guess I was a hypocrite, lonely and looking for love and affection. Am I going to list their names and make more enemies?

My angelic advisor says not to.  I don't fan old smoldering embers to create more conflagrations.  I must have had seven demons infesting me.

Thursday, October 12, 2017

free of charge

Last year, early spring I visited many cemeteries with a purpose.  I had read, when reading about Harrp radio waves and such that the dead are in the stratosphere with their vibrations.  It was told to me that they have interference from Harrp, (Harrp is supposedly dismantled now).  I figured that the dead are constantly in communication with their progeny, but that all the cell phones were causing interference as well.  I went cemetery to cemetery with the hopes of increasing their signal to you, the descendent.  I purchased shot glasses and put a small twisted wire in each shot glass and put it each cemetery.  the vibration of the persons name and their remains in the ground were amplified, in my perception.  I do not know how much time and money on gas I spent to help the dead reach you but I did it for ya'll free of charge.  I was on a mission.

Harrp was a government weather and mind control program, there were several stations, one in Alaska, one in China and one in Russia.  The program put aluminum shavings into the atmosphere and bombards humans with radio waves.  The unseen vibrations are all around us and not always beneficial.  Perhaps that is why there is so much cancer these days...and mental depressions......and car accidents.  I had theories that a lot of accidents were actually caused by these radio waves.

Information Sharing About the Medium Drama

Dear Cindy.  (email of April 7, 2017)
I know you that you are busy, perhaps you have not had time to call me.  I am a mystic as well as you and my temporary insanity of the last few month does not diminish me.  In fact, fluid states of consciousness such as what I periodically experience, can be very authentic in the realm of channeling (as with little children).  My three year old granddaughter is telepathic with me.  I am sad that you disregard me as I have not done the same with you.

Sincerely,  Amy Brandlin ( the lady with the little poppets)

I thought just for the sake of information sharing, that my listening audience on my blog should read the email I wrote to Cindy Newcomb Lane.  Does this letter sound like I was looking for anything other than a validating interaction with Cindy?  I wanted to connect as a fellow mystic, nothing more.  I was only attention seeking as a fellow seer seeks to share experiences.

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

My Mental Affair with Ralph Fiennes

Has anyone ever fallen in love with a movie star?  That happened to me a few years back with Ralph Fiennes. I am a member of a face book fan club and I see women doing exactly what I did...that is doing sketches of him and watching all his movies.   I see in them what I saw in myself.  I think it is a sad thing when people are so lonely that they invent relationships with movie stars.  But, on the other hand, for me it was a useful coping tool.  Thinking and imagining about Ralph go me through a tough time..

I am now back to work and do more constructive things with my energies, but I will always remember those days when it was me and Ralph......even if it was all in my head.

All My Best to Cindy and Mark

I have been accused of fanning the flames and bashing a reputable business.  I just shared that the business was not interested in interacting with me as I was mentally off and that the business owners son ripped me off.  I did try to settle it with him and he laughed as said, "go ahead write a bad review of me, I don't care."  I am sure that Cindy at Ravens landings has not suffered one iota from my bad review.  It was just the first time I ever experienced being discriminated against and I wanted to share what it was like.  I did not want something for nothing.  I was a lonely mentally ill person looking to connect.  When I experience talking to the dead, I get classified as crazy, when other people experience it they become rich.  Cindy could have responded to my email with a response such as this.

"Amy, when you came into my establishment I felt concern for your mental state.  I am a very busy professional and I cannot take the time you need for free.  Get better and stop in a few months and I will give you small discount because my assistant said you have no funds. I wish you the best on your journey back to wellness".

Or perhaps,
"Amy, you seem to be in receipt of energies which I am not comfortable with.  At this time I cannot assist you.  Your little poppets are a bit to witchy for my tastes, but I am sure you mean well with them.  Good luck with your art."

If Cindy prides herself on being a reputable business she should treat all humans with respect and loving kindness.  Loving Kindness is a great treasure to be able to bestow on people and people appreciate validation.  I am just explaining how my personality is not a fan the flame, it is more of the teacher, educator. healer, type.

Mark, did not have to accuse me of being a narcissist.  That was an insult.  I told them they were only human in their failings and in response I was told I was still very sick and full of bad energy.  Mark, a former cna, insulted me about my nursing as well.  That is fanning the flames.  Mark, since terminology means so much to you let me tell you, it is not all about status.  The term secretary is not insulting to most of the population.  It is just your desire for social status that is making you react that way.  Status is not what life is all about.  Being kind is very important and you know as well as I do that you and Cindy where laughing about me when you went in and spoke to her and promised she would call me.  That was not kind.

I do not doubt that Cindy helps many people, just not ones who put her out of her comfort zone.  She likes to help normal people, I am thinking.  But if she is going to be choosey that something like this could happen to her again...I guess not, not many women up north blog.   Anyway, Cindy implied my publicity was helpful for business.  I even had a passing thought if she would give me a ten percent discount as she promised to all who mentioned reading the blog.  I just related my experience, was not bashing.  I am a person who is filled with loving kindness and I can even bestow my good healing energies on Cindy and Mark.  Bless your hearts, like Mark said.  

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Do Not Criticize the Prevailing Religion

I you criticize the prevailing religion, here in the freedom of speech usa, your blog reads might drop substantially over night.  I believe my blog was taken out of circulation because I criticized Christianity.

Saturday, October 7, 2017

Judge not Lest you be Judged

I do not like to brag, but I must relate that I have taken care of all kinds of people in my twenty plus years of nursing.  I never passed judgment on them.  I saw them as human beings with needs which I was there to fulfill in my nursing role.  I have had prostitutes, incestuous witches, bestial people,  child molesters and mass murderers as my patients.  I have interacted with people of all kinds of dark energies.  I never have refused to take care of someone for any reason.  I am a compassionate person and that is how I express my spiritual destiny.   I do not pick and choose who gets my service or who gets good care.  All get good care as they are my fellow human.  I only write this as I have been accused of lacking empathy or compassion.  I fear no evil.    I do not approve of any of their actions or choices but it is not my role to judge them or reject them, as I am a true health care professional with real healing energies.

Feast of Our Lady of the Rosary

It was one year ago today that I felt compelled to pray for my inlaws deceased members of their family.  As punishment for praying for my enemies I have a legal criminal record.I happened to drive by my daughters house while the school bus picked up my grandchildren and because I obeyed traffic laws regarding a school bus I was illegally arrested for violating an order of protection.  I never even got out of my automobile.  I did not go to trial for fear of more injustice that was entirely possible in the horrible county of Ontario.  If you are a family with troubles be sure, that the DA will stick it to you.  Ontario county is the law of injustice.

Am I a practising Christian?  no.  I gave it up when I realized a few important messages.  One is that it is a religion of cannibal imagery.  I am not a cannibal.  I learned that from my father, Fred.  Secondly, the christian message is one where in the revolutionary is murdered and can only help you in another dimension.  It is okay in this meme to murder revolutionaries.  I do not believe it is right, as revolution is important for making gains in growth in the human collective consciousness.  If it is okay to kill revolutionaries we will never make strides in our broken human condition.

Who ever this God is, she wanted me to stop praying the Rosary for my exlaws and their patriarchs.  I love the Blessed Mother, but I will not have a criminal record with no lesson taught to me. If you wear a crucifix you will imitate christ and if you pray the rosary you might imitate christ as well, like  being punished when you committed no crime.

do you qualify for their healing touch?

In Apriil of this year- or there abouts I stopped into the establishment of Cindy Lane Newcombs to connect with her.  I wanted to share my experience of communicating with my poppets and my general life story.  My father had died in 2014 but I did not have the money for a reading.  I was interested to see if she and I could connect on a different level.  I get messages from another dimension and I wanted to see if she would validate my experience.  Sadly, she would not.  She ignored my email and phone call.  Apparently, she is not interested in communicating with a medium who is not for hire and had a diagnosis of the tag mentally ill.  Her establishment does not interact with less than narcissists.  Her administrative assistant commented on my original panning of her establishment to let me know that with non narcissitic people she is smoozes and is a god sent intervention to their unhappiness.  I do not merit contact with her because I am a narcissist.

In the South, there are plenty of blogging women, I have read their blogs.  In the North, if you share your life in the blog format, you are a narcissist.  I did not merit Cindy's healing intervention because I was mentally ill and my energies were more than she cared to interact with, even though my illness had subsided sufficiently by the time I wanted to share my poppets with her.  She did not and would not take the time to interact with me because she perceived me as less than any kind of person worthy of  her attention with bad energies.

She did not care to try to help me with my energies that were dark or bad, as I was concerned about sex slavery and other dark subjects that may or may not exist in our culture.

Behind semi-closed doors she and her assistant laughed at me and my condition and she would not respond to me.  Now they want me to be sufficiently medicated so that I withdraw or take down my original complaint of their discrimination.  That I refuse to do.

I am very much in my right mind at this point in my life and more medication will not take down my complaint. If you turn away clients because of your misperceptions, you will have to pay.  It is not evil energy, it is just desserts.

Now, the fact that Mark took it upon himself to share how nice she was to a normal client is more salt into my rejection wound.

I even had a dream of a raven landing on a branch and was still sent away.  I, a former secretary, was then berated for not realizing that secretary is now a bad word.   What the heck.  I even can tell a raven from a crow and I was rejected and then again berated for complaining how they would not tend to my spiritual inquiry.  I was even accused of not being a compassionate person.  I am a person who has worked with prisoners, the mentally disabled, the hospice patient and the normal aged patient as well.  I have done the most challenging nursing work, and still do.  So much is my dedication that I went into my place of work at 3 am to pass meds.  I normally do not pass meds but since there is such a nursing shortage, I took it upon myself to be a good servant to humanity.

Cindy and Mark employed discrimination when they rejected me.  I am a different sort of person, be it at my baseline normal or my revolutionary outspoken deluded persona.  I am not evil or filled with darkness or dangerous at any point in time in my life.  They messed up and they owe me an apology.  With a free reading and an apology then and only then will I remove my truthful posts.

Friday, October 6, 2017

Is There a Way to Reconcile Old and New Thought?

The history of mental health is biblical.  The mentally ill were thought to be infested with demons.  Mr. Mark the administrative assistant implies that I am a selfish narcissistic person with bad energy and that is why I was not assisted at their healing establishment.  He believes my medication is still not adjussted right.  What does he believe exactly, that mental health is brain chemistry needing the right tweeking or does he believe in demonic energies?  Cindy Lane Newcomb is a godly necromancer, if I take their letter of recommendation correctly.

The question is, how to reconcile believing in demonics but also ascribing to modern medicine.  Do the modern medicines exorcise us peoples with demonic infestations?  I have been to the snake pit and I believe in the demonics and ghosts.  Does Cindy think I needed or still need to be exorcised of dark energies?   I have exorcised people in my past, just by validating the presence of a demon.  That happened in Elmira.  I perceived sex slavery when I was in a medical term mania or a religious term possession.   Cindy and Mark laughed at me behind closed doors when I visited their establishment.  Is laughing at someone a way to exorcise a demon?  Was my dark energy condition at the time, amusing to them?  Was it nervous laughter?  Where they afraid to interact with darkly energized  person?  I fear no evil.  I learned that when I studied religions.  I don't believe that perceiving that there is a sex slavery ring going on is evil.  Partaking in such is evil, knowing about it and talking about it is not evil to me any way.

Cindy talks to the dead, but when I was channelling she wanted nothing to do with me.  Or did she believe I was just unstable due to dark energies and she thought she could not help me (but it was funny non the less.)  What is so funny about dark energies to a godly necromancer?

Mark and you believe in channeling and possession?  Is it totally separate in your minds to what mentally ill people experience?  Where is the line between spirits, energies and the mentally deranged?

If someone came to you complaining of a spirit hounding them could you help them or not?  Do psych drugs just shut up demonics?  You speak to the dead, some must have negative energies, do you avoid them or try to help them heal on the other side?

Radiology Secretary 1980

What was it like to be a radiology secretary in 1980?  It was not an easy job.  I had to man the window, schedule procedures, type reports and file films in a big room of xrays in paper folders.  It was an interesting time in the field, as ct imaging had just come out.   We also had a nuclear medicine department.  I was newly married to my dairy farmer husband.  I got pregnant right after I got married, so I was pregnant and working around x rays.  My daughter was  born normal and has had three healthy children, so I don't perceive any ill effects.

I took secretarial classes after I dropped out of Ithaca College.  While at IC I took medical terminology because I knew that I wanted to work as a medical secretary.  I dropped out of the secretarial program because I got the job in radiology.  I have only ever been able to type about thirty words a minute.  They are big words, though!  (as you shall read.)

This  was a time when people were still allowed to smoke while they worked.  There were ashtrays everywhere and my manager, Terry, smoked as well as most of the technicians. I recall being upset when a dying patient had to lay on stretcher breathing the smoke from the cigarette that the technician was puffing away on.  While pregnant I would take fresh air breaks from the cigarette smoke in the department and go sit my swollen body outside on a bench next to the duck and swan pond.

I can recall being frustrated that I was consistently pulled away from what ever I was focussing on.   Typing a report, had to answer the phone.   Checking people in at the window was interesting.  One time there was a policeman off duty showing off his gun.  We thought he was a nut case.  I recall typing a report and mistyping and having to correct three copies with white out.  The reports were three layer carbon.  I recall spelling Highland hospital 'hyland" when I sent out films in a big brown package.

One time I scheduled the doctor to do two procedures at the same time.  "How is dr Braff supposed to do an IVP and a barium enema at the same time?" they asked.  (Must have been my lead poisoning.)

I was getting married, but I had a little crush on Roger.  He was tall, with Native American ancestry.  He was one of the technicians.  He showed me his pride and joy, from his wallet, two little pictures of pride and joy detergents.  Tom another technician who had lived in nyc did not like roadstand sweet corn because of the bugs.  Road stand sweet corn is ten times fresher and tastier than grocery store corn, Tom!  He also laughed at my peeled carrot that I brought in as part of my lunch,  It was not cut into sticks.

Dr Braff was the radiologist and he and his wife gave me a lovely woven baby blanket.  He was tall and thin and Jewish.  I really liked him.  I complained to him about the cigarette smoke.  I was ahead of my time, apparently.

Terry, the manager, he was watching the television series, Dallas.  He would take his children for happy meals at mac donalds.

There was also Paul, a tech, he said I had a radio voice, a very nice compliment.

I recall, Marie, a gruff professional and then Edith, another technician.  Eddie gave me a lecture about how you must remove the cotton from medicine bottles as it gets germs on it.  She could not believe, that I, a doctor's daughter, did not know that bit of important info.

Chris was the name of the greatest nurse in the hospital.  She was extremely professional and kind.  She attended to the people during the procedures and placed iv sites.

My coworker, Cheryl, was trying to get pregnant for years.  It did not happen until she got a different job.  The secretarial stress was keeping her from getting pregnant.

I can recall hearing doctor Braff's voice pronouncing "spondylolisthesis" and "pace maker pack overlying the sternum..."   "No acute infiltrate." on the dictophone machine.

  I only worked there about a year.`

I recall my first employee evaluation.  I was not perky and friendly enough.  (I was nervous and a little over worked.)  He chocked it up to my being pregnant.  I was surprised that they brought in two or three new positions to spread the work out better after I left.

Thank you Mark, the administrative assistant, for inspiring this memoir of my first full time job as a radiology secretary.

Ramblings to Figure out If I Really Qualify as a Narcissist

I once had a patient I will name Q.  I did home care and he knew me in 2005, as I did daily visits to his home.  He said, "Amy, you are the most self deprecating person I have ever met.  Why have you no confidence?"  I don't believe that self deprecation is a symptom of narcism, so our friend at the healing center in town, Mark of Cindy Newcomb Lanes could be wrong in his differential diagnosis.  I researched narcism in women and I don't believe I really fit the pattern.  I don't think all men are crazy about me and I don't think all my friends are idiots.  I am not self absorbed in my appearance, never having been to a tanning booth and I have no tattoos.(not that that defines narcissism either)

I suffer from Stigma and having self confidence is a great accomplishment for someone who has to cope with stigma.  I will not apologize for having self confidence. I am a writer as well as a former SECRETARY.

One of my early career choices was medical SECRETARY.  I never felt any shame when I was a radiology secretary in 1980 at clifton springs hospital and clinic.  It was a difficult job and they replaced me with THREE secretaries after I left the position to be a full time mother.

addendum:  I just did more research on narcissism.  I don't shame others, in fact shaming really bothers me in general.  I don't have poor boundaries.  I respect peoples boundaries and expect to have mine respected.  I do have relationships that I have maintained for years, I can name several.  I will admit that I use magical thinking in my reality.  I have a healthy interest in what others say...I is not all about me.

What Made Me Such a Narcissist?

I was just recently diagnosed by Cindy Newcomb Lanes admin assistant as being a narcissist.  I believe that is someone inordinately in love with ones self.  Mark put out a comment on my Evil Entrepreneurs post with my latest diagnosis.  I have often wondered if I was a narcissist.  Mark sent out the suggestion that I get my medication levels straightened around so that I am not as sensitive to insults, such as being laughed at when I went there for help.  When I pass their establishment I am actually saddened that we did not connect about what we have in common.  I am still a licensed practicing nurse and I still communicate with the dead.  My experience is not valid, though as I have been stamped with a mental illness stigma.  Why am I so in love with myself?  That is the question.  Here are some possible reasons,

1. Rule out medical first.  Start with the medical reason.  My dad gave me bone meal and dolomite to chew on.  He thought he was giving me strong bones , but instead gave me a low dose of lead poisoning.
2.  I married at 19 because my boyfriend begged me never to leave him.  I sacrificed my happiness to keep our family together for 23 years.  It started because I wanted warm little babies to love.
3.  I never experienced romantic love till I was in my fifties.  Finding love is the goal of the adolescent and young adult per psychological development.  I was always searching for love in all the wrong places when I was married.  That is why I like the story of the Lady with the little dog.  A Russian novella mentioned in Ralph Fiennes "the Reader", movie.  He also explores illicit love in his movie, The Invisible Woman.  This showed me how strong our need is to be loved as humans beings, and that Romantic love transcends societal rules.

I was extremely vexed by my inability as a woman to find romantic love for over thirty years.  There was Stephen my brother in law, then the pediatrician and other man after another with which I struck out.  I must have at some point decided loving my reflection was better than the rejection I constantly received from men.

I was searching for non romantic love, acceptance and validation from Cindy Lane Newcomb, but I got rejection and mockery.

Is mockery the latest treatment for narcissism?

I do enjoy drawing self portraits and I have believed myself to be the center of the universe, as my conscious experience is all that I know.  I actually have believed I was Mary Magdalen reincarnated.  Low self esteem is supposedly the cause of megalomania.  Do narcissists have low self esteem while being inordinately in love with themselves?  Or are they diametric opposites?  I think that the lead poisoning by my well intentioned father is the root cause of my horrible selfish personality.  I don't think that my heart being blessed by Mark will cure me of that, but I am thankful for his blessing.

Doping people so they continually take psychological abuse is a pet peeve of mine so I have to disagree that I need to take more medications.

Interestingly, last year when I was sick, I painted all the mirrors in my home.  Would a true narcissist do such a thing?

Thursday, September 28, 2017

What is New with Your Kitten, Amy

I brought home a lovely kitten and we are doing fine.  He is very respectful, rarely waking me in the morning.  I have taken on a room renter  into my home and she and her cat are getting to know him.  It is not easy, after being alone for seven years to share my personal space.  My home has been my haven in a perceived hostile world.  It is not easy to open ones home to some one you love, let alone a stranger.  The cats are getting along fairly well and the women are too.  There are occasional problems,such as disturbed sleep from creaky floor boards and missing coffee cups,but for the most part things are flowing okey dokey.

Working at a new job is an adjustment as well.  Nursing home-rehab facility work is not easy work.  Staffing is a huge problem.  I miss the days of single documentation.  Everything these days involves a computer.  Double work.  Not fun.

Back to the widdle wion cwub weo.  He is rambunctious and stalks the pet mice.  He eats the beloved Madagascar dragon plant.  I have to deal with cat shit daily.  I don't like dealing with cat shit.  He was neutered and that cost money as did his shots.  I have spent over three hundred dollars on this destructive brat that I picked up at the laundry mat.  I love him regardless but I must admit I miss the days when I did not have him as a responsibility.  Cats are not as loving as dogs, and they can be mean.  Mean and bratty to their owners, their companions and to the world in general.  They are predators, after all.  When I wrote that I was stalked by the cat spirit, I was not joking.  Then he purrs and rubs up against my leg and I am thankful that he is my friend.  

Dream Time Messages updated

Spirits communicate with people most often as they (people) are just waking up.  I was spoken to last night.  "Brandon Fisher"  I researched Brandon Fisher today.  He is an actor and director born in 1980.   He has been involved in several movies, criminal minds, Hack Shack and Hibiscus.  Why was his name whispered to me from another dimension, that is the question.  I had never heard of him or even thought of him.  I will have to watch these movies, perhaps there is a message that the spirits are trying to communicate to me.  I am sure that there is.  I really have no interest in Hack Shack, I hate gorey movies.

update: brandon fisher is also a football dude..  I have no connection with football what so ever.  Brandon fisher is also a convicted murderer who killed his parents with a baseball bat.  I have dishonored my parents memory as I have written about some of the poor judgment they had raising me as well as suspecting that they slipped me halucinogens.  I had a vision of seeing the Virgin Mary speak to me from a holy card after I attended a party at their home.  I recall feeling strange at the party.  That was in 2001.  I was seen by a physician while being hospitalized and he told me, "your father is a very bad man."  Somebody knew that shit was going down.

This is the anniversary of my father's death.  If he were a saint it would be his feast day.  He was saintly in some aspects and not so saintly in other aspects, like most of us.

I was good to them, why would I be visited by a spirit in the morning that gave me a clue, Brandon Fisher, I don't know.  I was thinking, since one Brandon Fisher is a horror movie maker that I have an idea for a horror film.  Somebody goes to a horror film and spirits from the film follow the person home and it becomes a movie about a movie haunting, a Mis en abyme of sorts.  Like a painting of a painter painting a painting.  There is a famous painting of that which I shall share after I look it up. Diego Valezquez painted a famous painting of a little girl and a midget and a dog.  What ever, that is the idea...a horror movie that has a plot that the horror invades a member of the audience.....Like when I saw the movie Annabelle and then so the demon face in the pattern on the wall right after watching the movie.

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Steam Sauteed Cabbage

Here in America say cabbage it usually means coleslaw.  There is another great way to prepare cabbage that is very tasty.  The cruceferous vegetables are very healthy for you.  They fight cancer.

To make steam fried cabbage first fry up an onion in olive oil till tender then add thinly sliced cabbage.  I added sunflower seeds.  You can also add garlic or add it later as powder.  I prefer raw garlic, but if I forget I will use powder.  Add some water to the cabbage to help it cook faster then let it cook off after uncovering and the cabbage is good an limp.  You want it to be browned so play with the heat settings.  My mother made this recipe, that is how I know about it.  It would go really well with Mrs.T's perogies.  Vinegar goes really well with it  too, as vinegar accompanies brussel sprouts nicely.  Sauteed brussel sprouts are good made this way too.  The carmelized onions add to to cabbage sweetness.

I had an discussion with family about cabbage, my family member said that cabbage can go bad.  I have hardly ever found a cabbage head that I could not cut away the grey areas or take off the limp leaves and find a good veggie hidden beneath the outer covering of gray.....I say cabbage does not go bad, you just cut away the gray and it tastes fine.  Of course add some salt and freshly ground pepper when you sprinkle it with vinegar at the end of preparation.  I reread my writing and it is choppy.  Must be my writing skills are being blunted the state of NY  overdosing me on my psych med.

Sunday, September 17, 2017

Medical Fascism, Mind Control

In the mental health arena it is not permitted to believe in guardian spirits..  If you are in a mental health situation and admit to hearing a guiding presence you will be considered abnormal and in need of more medication.  THe line, Hearing Voices is used and it is considered abnormal and must be treated to made to go away, even if the person considers them helpful guiding spirits.  There is no proof of angels or demons either way, but humanity has always believed in such.  If you receive communication you must be medicated to obliterate any such guidance that they are giving you.  It is not just the schizos in society that hear voices or guiding presences.  If you listen to Leonard Cohen, he had guiding voices too.  It is a gift of spiritual nature and it has been slammed by those who hear nothing in their minds but their own selves.

I was under the impression that I was receiving a static dose of medication but in actuality is that the plasma concentration increases each month.  If I had not complained, at what point would I be considered to be saturated enough with neuroleptics?  when i no longer lived a life with imagination and faith?  When my personality became totally obliterated?  I have lost much of my creativity and spontaneity. If my imagination is not insulting or badgering any body why on earth is it important change who I am via the medications?

It is medical fascism.....obliteration of individuality for conformity and mind control.  It truly is fascist in my case as my psychiatric providers are the state of NY.

Thursday, September 14, 2017

I Still Refuse to be Boringly Normal

This  might be a repeat food blog but, hey, how many foods or food dishes do you know that have a movie named for it?  This batch of ratatouille is especially nice as it has capers in it.  I believe that my mother used to make hers with capers as well.  I did not fry the capers first.  I was looking through a magazine that was given to me by the natural food store and I saw polenta.  It was then that I had a eureka moment.  ratatouille and polenta would be a great combination! So I made up some polenta.  I love to cook and I have gained a substantial amount of weight while being medicated with abilify maintena.  I have gone from 135 to 160 lbs in 9 months.  I love to cook and I have ceased eating mammals.  I will eat fish so I am actually a pescatarian.  I researched after have a strange convulsion the morning after my last shot and my suspicions were correct, there is a snowball effect with monthly shots.   The upshot is as I am more stable I am being medicated heavier which is wrong.  It should be moving in the opposite direction.  As I recover from being grossly manic I should need less medication.  I want to be on the 300 mg shot, which I believe would be more appropriate for my medium frame body.   My new NP would not yet agree to it.  They subscribe to the delusion that stress makes me become manic.  It does not.  I will not become more apt to be manic during the holidays.  They did agree, to their credit, to allow me to have my next shot five days out further than scheduled.

I will continue to push for the 300 mg shot and I even agreed to take oral in addition, as I titrate downwards. What are the side effects that you are experiencing that are intolerable, you might ask?  Well, I started to get hot flashes right after they gave me the first injection and my bowels are messed up.  I have difficulty swallowing.  I have a supplement which I believe helps with the symptoms of my being overdosed.  I take soy lecithin.  With in days of taking lecithin my swallow reflex improved.

Another side effect is lack of creativity and spontaneity.  If you recall, I could belt out improvised ballads last February.  Luckily,  I still refuse to become a normal person or a bore.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

What is new and interesting in Amy's life

I haven't written much lately as I have returned to my profession as a registered nurse and have a new job that I have been learning.  What is new in my field is that there is a vigilance about pain medication that was not as intense when I was working in rehab in 2010.  There are also new medications that I need to become familiar with.  I was nervous at first to call the nurse practitioners, but I am getting better at it.  I am allowed to use my phone to research medications and call my superiors.  I upgraded to an Iphone again.

I also have rented a room to a younger woman who is very nice.  I have lived alone for seven years so it is a little bit of an adjustment.  She is very intelligent and is very supportive.   She brought with her her cat so my little kitten has a new kitty friend as well  as his new home with me.  They are slowly being exposed to each other and are interesting to watch together.  His kitty friend is named Caliaope; Leo is falling in love.

He is growing fast and will be neutered next week. I thought the two mice that I put together were both males, but, oh no, we have another batch of babies. So far the cats have not eaten any mice.

With the new job comes money so I have been able to get a washing machine and am thinking about a smart tv so I can watch  movies again.   I have new glasses.

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Stewed Home Grown Tomatoes

When I was a farm wife many years ago, I grew my own Roma tomatoes and canned my own sauce.  I did this for 23 years or so.  I would put up fifty quarts of spaghetti sauce or at least 4 or 5 batches, some in pints.  I would put the tomatoes raw through a food mill and then add cooked peppers and onions, spices and paste.  I did a batch of sauce with my daughter in law two  years ago.  I am not that keen on tomato sauce these days, since I read that the nightshade family of veggies can stir up arthritic inflammation.  I have arthritis in my fingers which has flared up the past few months.  Now, this year I did put in a few tomato plants but I don't  participate in a big sauce making adventure.  I just blanch them in boiling water and peel them and stew them with some herbs and onions.  This method of eating my own home grown tomatoes is just as fun and satisfying as doing a whole batch of sauce. As a child I hated stewed tomatoes but I like them now.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Parallels with Annabelle

I just returned from watching the blockbuster horror movie Annebelle:creation.  Spoiler alert.  I have a few criticisms.  One is that a nun is depicted forgiving sins.  Nuns do not have the power to forgive sins and I doubt if they would behave as the nun did in the movie, even if it was just practice.    I like the way they tell the story.  The couple missed their daughter so much that they went to the dark side to be able to see her again and what they got was a dose of very evil darkness.

When I was in full blown mania, last year, I thought I was being watched.  I have to laugh at the string of coincidences used in the story of Annebelle: Creation and my life.  The father of the deceased is a doll maker.  I make dolls.  I made eyeballs out of clay and the movie starts out with eyeballs.  I had other delusions about eyeball collections of dead famous people.  Eyeballs are creepy.  I pasted and decoupaged my doors with scripture from an old beat-up bible.  I have an old doll house like in the movie.  The devil is depicted as a black dragon, similar to the toy dragon I had used in my art and photo doll essays.  The song that is a theme song in the movie was a theme song in my life, (You Are My Sunshine.)  My grand daughter played it over the phone to me while I was in the looney bin.

I don't know where the parallels come from.  Are  my brainwaves subconsciously tapped into via the collective consciousness by the movie makers?  (without their knowledge).   I don't believe that I am spied on anymore, but the parallels are very odd.  Perhaps I tap into their energies while they are planning the movie.

When I came home, I found that the cat had upturned my turtle night light.  When I went to pick it up it blinked out, prior to my touching it.  After I went to the movie I stopped at mc donalds for a fish sandwich.  I used the bathroom and on the bathroom wall, in the irregular tile pattern, I saw a little demon face scowling at me.  Strange.   I have seen such before.  There are evil spirits in the world.  I don't worship the devil of course, nor have I ever tried to conjure any evil spirits.  One thing that the nun says is opposite to what the church says.  She says that the devil preys on the weak.  I have always been taught that the devil preys on the people of strong faith.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

The Truth about America

Wake up America!  The truth is out!  The American culture is very racist.  I read the media coverage regarding Trumplestilskin and his waffling position and am amazed.  There is a prevailing myth that America is a nice place for minorities.  It is not.  Racism was noted by Einstein in the 1950's and it has not changed much, it is just sneakier, less blatant and encoded.  When I was ill last year, this aspect of the American culture really bothered me.  If you are a minority or a person with a stigma, like myself, the mainstream populace wants to shut you up or shut you away.  You have to know your place.  This President of ours is like the big racist boil on the Body of America and it is coming to a head.  As a person with a stigma I can relate to racism.  A black man heard my story and even told me that I was as they are.

Some in our country subscribe to the idea that we are a land of equal opportunity.  We are certainly not.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Natural Garden Beauty

My garden, while not carefully tended, has some natural beauty.  Here is what is going on.
The comfrey survived transplantation and is sending up new leaves.
Up close shot of the comfrey.

Zinnia, lone survivor and poke weed, which is great for dying material.

A mysterious wildflower reminiscent of a forget-me -not.

A dragon fly stopped in for a photo op.

Basil ready for pesto.

Mr. White Pine sending out new shoots, getting well established.

Giant Russian Sunflowers.

Zinnia up close.


Pink Rose.

Monday, August 7, 2017

Time To Meditate

When I was seventeen my mother arranged for me to take transcendental meditation classes.  I will admit that I have never put it into regular practice.  Mostly, I meditate occasionally.  I have attended yoga classes and done shivasana several times a week, but not on my own.  I think now would be a good time to try to meditate regularly.    I recall how our consciousness is similar to an onion, with layers.  One starts out with two cleansing breaths and finishes with the same.  You repeat a mantra over and over and this helps to quiet your mind.  Thoughts come in and you just let them pass through.  You don't want to battle in your mind, so you do not fight the brain's tendency to want to think.  You want to sit up straight.  Some meditators keep their eyes slightly open and this is something I have not ever done.  I close my eyes.  I suppose I could work on that.  As you descend into a meditative state, your arms might feel funny, as if they are upside down or disconnected.

Meditation can help you to be a calmer and more centered person.  Ones brainwaves enter a deep sleep state.  I know this as I had an EEg while meditating due to my visions and the people doing the eeg thought I had slept, while I was just meditating for the entire study.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

On Moving Forward

I took all my controversial posts about my private history down.  I am moving forward and I do not want to ruminate about old negative energies.  Thanks for all the readers who sent positive mental energies to me.  I have work to do.  I started at new job and I want to make more of my little dolls.  I have plenty to focus on that is positive, including many friendships and family life.  Yesterday I planted some comfrey I got from some friends.  I planted it in the dead zone in my back yard.

I am coming free from my past.

Saturday, August 5, 2017

A Lesson in Reading Comprehension

The lecherous man cat called to the little girl for many years.  When the girl reached sexual maturation the mother of the young woman sent her to spend the weekend at the lecherous mans house.  The girl felt groggy the morning after spending the night at his house.  The young woman's jaw clicked after the visit.

What can we infer from this passage? Pick one choice

1.  The mother protected her daughter from the lecherous man.
2.  The mother gave her daughter to the man and he drugged her and sodomized her.

This is a lesson in reading...called inference.  

Friday, August 4, 2017

I Do Indeed Move Foreward

I have related my suspicions that I was dosed with hallucinogens to different people over the years.  My son told me that I really reminded him of a friend on mushrooms in college when I became clinically labeled as manic.  I am not saying that every manic episode that I ever had that somebody was sneaking around dosing me.  Some of my manic episodes (like last year) were because I withdrew from medications.  Please read Peter Breggin's Toxic Psychiatry and you can discover the mechanisms of the neurotransmitters and the results of going off once you have taken these drugs.  (I know that I have to have my shot every month. ) I am proud to say that with me, less is more in the medication department.  I am doing quite well on the one antipsychotic shot.  I do not think like I was thinking last year.  The universe is not centered around me. The past links us to the present.   If I went to a party and started to feel weird and then started seeing things, it is possible that I could have been slipped something.  Another friend of mine, who has been with me when I was manic also agreed that I was slipped something at that party years ago.  I have been validated by people.  I know how I interacted with these people, they are my family.  I know what they were capable of.
It is a wonderful world, but it has it shadow aspects.  There are secret organizations of people in powerful positions that mistreat others in society.  I know that nobody wants to believe that about our world and if you say something you get mocked for believing in "conspiracy theories."  I am a believer in conspiracy theories.  I have researched it.  I have been validated about MK Ultra, by my psychiatrist.  Think what you will about me.  I know I am a genuine kind person who has had struggles with reality.  What people don't all realize is that reality can be ambiguous and nebulous. I realize that and accept it.

My parents were not evil, but they were not right in the head at all times, like me. They are dead, but their words echo in my mind.  One thing my mother used to say was "you are not going to let me off the hook for that".  I am not going to let her off the hook, is right.  I don't hate her, so my memories are not destructive, nor am I in a mental trap.  It is what it is and I do move forward in life.  I share my stories about abuse because of the commenter that adamantly believes I never was mistreated.  I shared the story about the trip to college to visit the lecherous family friend to prove the point that they most certainly could have slipped me something if the would do that kind of thing to their daughter.  The later issue with my mother was that I was not happy with my husband and she loved him....that is a whole nother story.

Blame Your Abusers, Its Okay

I will give my family credit for causing me my illness. Parents can mess up children.  That is why there are protective agencies for children in the world.  Good parenting is not common nor is it easy.  The modern medical establishment likes to take the blame away from families for causing illnesses, but they are wrong.  I knew on my first visit to a psychologist in second grade that the playboy magazines were distracting me, but I did not say as I was ashamed.  Cause and effect.  If one does not care for children correctly they have problems.  I did pass my algeba regents with a one hundred percent, so the sexing up of my eight year old mind did not have a lasting effect.

I don't know If I am dialoguing with several commenters or just one, some say I am this some say I am that.  I am who I am and I will relate my story.  Blaming is a good thing in the case of child abuse.

Steam Pot- It is not OUT TO GET YOU

For those of you who think that the microwave oven might be dangerous to your health, (like some other countries believe) or if you think that the microwave and the government who approved it might be OUT TO GET YOU, I have an alternative heating system for leftovers.  It is the steam pot. I am having some kasha for breakfast and I heated it on the stove with a steam pot.  Less mess than a sticky fry pan and it heats in a few minutes.  The cellular composition of your food is not altered.

Sumac Tea

I am so excited.  For years I have wanted to make sumac tea and this morning I am actually doing it.  For those whoo believe that I am trapped by my memories of abuse, you can see that I am breaking out of my mental illness cage.  I am doing it by fulfilling a life long dream to drink sumac tea.  It is not poison after all!

I awoke little dizzy this morning.  I hope my new kitten did not give me any earmites!  The earmites are out to get me!!!!!!  I don't really believe that I have earmites.

The Words People Choose--Out to Get, and other such Bull

Frame of reference.  When I was at Elmira Psychiatric center I attended a class.  It is set up like high school in the grand mental hospital.  One nice psychologist went over different terminology to show how language is slanted against the mentally ill.  the word psyche is related to the word soul.  The world of science contrasts with the  faith reality.  When I was with Dr. Margo Fass, she made it clear that just because you are paranoid does not mean that people are not out to get you.  We live in a predatory abusive reality.  I have a very good memory.

I apologize if my memories of abuse don't let you fit me into a little mental illness box in your mind.  That nice Brandlin family with the genetically bipolar daughter, Amy.  The Brandlin's were slightly bohemian and oversexed.   I recall at age eight reading a book, "The Little Red Schoolhouse".  At eight years old, a second grader reading all about sex,that is wrong.  I became preoccupied with sex and refused to do my math workbook.  I put it open, on my head.  Childrens minds do not need to be filled with Playboy magazines what the world is all about manuals.  My parents were not out to get me when they gave that book to me but it was not helpful to my psychology. The culture of abuse does not like to take responsibility for its wounded.  My family regularly took part in "put downs", a term my mother used for language and interaction that tears people down, not validating.   Do I believe that people are out to get me now?  No, people like my commenter on Child of God want to put me in the mentally ill box.  Mental illness is a creation by society to label people who speak out or say things about their lives that others do  not want to hear.  I was in an abusive family.  Like it or not, that was my reality.  Calling the cops because of a letter is also abusive.  I love my daughter, but that was abusive behavior on her part.   Saying that I believe people are out to get me is a way of speaking that tries to put me in the box.  Have I been suspicious, a kinder terminology, yes.  I have a diagnosis and I live on the illness/wellness continuum, like many others.  The source of my illness is family abuse.  PERIOD.  Your words, which do not take responsibility cannot take away my happiness.  I am a happy person despite my troublesome journey.
She has behaviors and is seeking attention--that is mental ill talk.
She is a writer telling her story to a listening audience--that is validating confirming talk.
She was from an abusive family and is a good writer with a good memory writing memoir on her blog...that is a better way to describe Amy Brandlin.

Thursday, August 3, 2017

Marlena? Lolita? No it is Amy

Marlene, Maarleena, Marlenna.....I was called Marlene after the sex icon Marlene Dietrich relentlessly for about 6 years by a family friend at the lake.  I also received whistle cat calls from this man for years and years,  I was teased about my fat ankle pants (bell bottoms)  I did not know it, I was doe eyed and innocent but I received lecherous looks from this man for years and years.  (I had a deep voice and beauty marks on my face like Marlene)

Then one day when I when I was 13 or 14 I get this suggestion from my mother that I visit my sister at college.  My sister did not even like me.  Why I agreed to it is beyond me, trusting doe eyed, I went to Syracuse by bus to stay at E.T.'s and visit sister.  I recall feeling very groggy the next morning and shopping for tan boots and eating honey bun pastries.  My mother used to laugh about the term swinger, but I did not know what swinger meant.  She called me Lolita at about the time I made that visit.

Incidently, about that time I developed a jaw click with every bite of food I chewed which did not resolve until orthodontics.  Why does one get TMJ?  I happens when you open your jaw too wide according to the orthodontist.

My mother had an edge that she did not share with all who knew her.  She and I had trouble getting along.  According to sis, (years later) she had an infatuation with ET.  Now ET wanted disability and wanted my father to write a medical report to help him get it which, my father did not do.  Perhaps he was not in on that episode of swinging ones children.  They gave us girls Playboy magazines to read from age eight up, when we visited my grandfathers apartment.

On Living in the Present and Taking Responsibilty

I always self analyze this can be taken as living in the past.  I try to see where I went wrong, or why I am the way I am.  If I was through something and relate it, it is very therapeutic for me.  When I relate something that happened years ago, it helps me to see why I am the way I am.  I journal, on the blog, so you readers, read into my diary.  I don't perceive myself as a blamer.  I don't believe my journaling online has a negative impact.  I am a victim of domestic abuse, I don't think I randomly became mentally ill.  I will blame on that count. The diagnosis does not define me, though as I am moving forward in many aspects of my life.  Thanks for the negative finger pointing comments that help me to clarify my position.
    The lawn died in one area because somebody violated a boundary.  I got mental illness because I had family members who slipped me something.  (Another boundary violation.)  If people respected boundaries there would be no need for wars on the personal level or the political level.  I recall college reading about women and how they defined themselves, via hierarchy and web.  We are webbed into hierarchal relationships, mainly defined by perceived status evaluations.  I brought much of my problems upon myself as I did not respect the hierarchy.  I can be disrespectful of people who I perceive as domineering.(I did not know my place.)  I have said many times that my sharp witt bothered people and that is why they slipped me shit to give me my diagnosis.   I think that is sort of taking responsibility, is it not?  I live with the fact that I must be medicated, so the past has a way of being the present.
   But I am hopeful, as now I have more confidence, and confidence is strongly effected by medications.  Once again a cheery hello and thank-you to whom ever made the comment that I live in the past which has a negative effect and that I blame others for my problems.  At least I am not the suicidal type.  I prefer being a blamer than a self destructor.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Child of God

My first enemies in life were my husband's family.  They did not like me because of various reasons.  Probably because I was needy. My family was emotionally abusive and I married out of hunger for acceptance which I did not get.  I have noticed a pattern over the years.  People who pick out others and decide that a certain other person is not worthy of acceptance have to sell their viewpoint to justify their actions.  I was ostracized and emotionally kicked out of the family of my husbands and people who did not like me spread the word why and that they were justified in their behavior toward me.  "All people are not going to like you."  is something my father used to say.   That is fine if some people don't like me.  I am outspoken and forthright and offend some people.  They have a right to not like me.  They don't have to spread their noxious attitudes, but they will try.

I don't believe that there are any people or group of people  that I don't like and feel that I need to spread the word about them.  Now when I was ill, I thought that there were cannibals among us, and one person even admitted to it.  I never used his name in a blog or slammed him.  I don't feel that since his behavior is distasteful to me that he no longer deserves people in his life.  I am not that kind of a person.  (The kind who feels another deserves to be ostracized.)  Social ostracization is wicked.  Humans self destruct when treated in such a manner.  I am not the type to consider suicide.  My life is an adventure and I will be here as long as God wills it, as I am a child of God.   

Baking Soda

Green River. Wyoming gives us trona which is the ore that produces baking soda.  My grandparents had very good teeth and they brushed them with baking soda.  I highly recommend using baking soda for your teeth rather than all those expensive sweetened products.  My dental hygienist says baking soda actually kills the bacteria that causes tooth decay.  Baking soda is manufactured by chemical means or mined as trona, a natural soda ash deposit.  Your teeth will feel very clean.  I just dampen my tooth brush and then dip it into some baking soda in the palm of my hand.    Don't forget to floss regularly as well.

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Evidence of Chemical Lawn Assault

Somebody, I have no idea who, took it upon themselves, when my grass was long, to ignore boundaries.    My grass looks as if it has been sprayed generously with roundup.  I did not apply any chemicals on my own lawn but it looks as though somebody unfamiliar with the law sprayed my seeded out grass.  It is recovering quite well from my neglect, but not from the assault.

Dead spot up close.

This innocent lemon balm is trying to come back, it could be catmint.

This is a spot which was not chemically assaulted.

Nor was this area, there is new growth, I mowed it today.

greener here.

One can clearly see how chemicals were applied in an undulating motion, along the property line.  No worries, when enough time has passed I plan to plant a comfrey patch.

The dead area from a distance.

Cherry Crepes

I love international cuisine.  Here is my breakfast.  It tasted so delicious that I wanted to share in case others are bored with everyday fare of American culture.

It would have been better if I had farmer cheese to fill them with.  I topped them with plain yogurt and filled them with bought cherry pie filling.  I will be able to use my own canned cherries if I thickened and sweeten them.  I halved the recipe and still have some for lunch ideas.  Perhaps creamed tuna will be my next crepe adventure.  

Monday, July 31, 2017

How Do You Perceive Status?

As a young girl I developed a discomfort with status.  This was after I had lived in a foreign country during my formative years 2-5.  Arriving in USA at age six was like coming to a whole new world.  I must of realized that doctors (my father was a doctor) have high status and I became uncomfortable with status.  I wanted to be like everybody else, not special or exalted.  As an RN I deal with status in my role in society.  As a labeled bipolar entity I am threatened with a "less than" status which I am equally uncomfortable with.  When I get a mean comment, like last week, where my reviews are treated as aberrant behavior from a "less than" in society, rather than a critical review from an educated woman I become agitated.  I do not become agitated enough to lose my compassionate stance in life, though.  I can see where others are more comfortable with their status and see that as a means to look down on others.  My review of Cindy Lane Newcomb's treatment of me was not attention seeking, like she implied.  I am not an attention seeking little less than entity.  I am an educated professional person, anyone's equal.  Others might not have my intuition or compassion.

 I have worked as a nurse for years and years, as a hospice nurse in fact.  I have a special connection with the dead.  I have lessened the suffering of many in their final hours.  I might have been the last connection some have had to a caring individual in their final hours.  People when they are transitioning to the other side are in a very special place and I am honored to be a part of their journey as a nurse.  I also have connections with other types of people in society treated as less than, like the mentally retarded. (pc developmentally disabled)  These people, with their sufferings are very angelic.  I have been honored to work with them.  I see each person as a special individual....all people.  I have worked in the jail system as well.  I have compassion for all and do not desire myself to be elevated above anybody.  My role as a nurse necessitates some sort of elevation but I see it as a service role.