Be Forewarned, I am a Fey and Quixotic Creative Writer

Be Forewarned, I am a Fey and Quixotic Creative Writer
And in the End was the Word, Amy's Word

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Sunday, February 18, 2018

Selfies


Selfies

I know that I should shade them in.

The report is in

I asked my doctor if I could see the ct report about my abdomen.  I waited all day checking to see if he had released it into the computer portal, but he had not.  I asked his secretary to ask him to release it.  At the office visit he said it could be a rare cancer of the colon.  I researched rare cecum cancers and what came up was GIST tumors.  I think it could be a leiomyoma.  He thinks that he is sparing me anxiety by not showing me the report, but actually, a little knowledge is actually worse.  Ct can diagnose cancer and I have every right to know what the report says. Perhaps it is just taking a little time to get released.

The GI nurse practistioner told me it envolves my entire ascending colon.  I have had to wait since Jan 31 not knowing enough and it is not fair to have to wait so long.  The quickest I could get in for a colonoscopy is the 27th of February.

Update:  My report was released to me.  It is still a wait and see what the biopsy says.

Friday, February 16, 2018

The People at the Lake

I have a had a difficult road with the bipolar which has made me to treacherous things to people.  I still am curious as to why I was rejected years ago by the people at the lake.  The people at the lake were my parents friends and my friends, but they did not want to interact with me after I married my farmer.  My parents would take my children to their cottage and visit them in Philidelphia and I was left out of the group.  Even prior to my illness these friendships fell away.  I acted out after being rejected and further secured their disdain and disinterest of me.  In 2004 I alienated a certian David F. after I wrote his wife to tell her she was a sacrificial lamb in the group as I had been.  When I was hallucinating I imagined these folks to have been Satanic and that they had put curses on me.  One of my recurring delusions is that people near me are Satanic.  They might not be satanic, but they certainly are unforgiving.

One summer my pubic hair had grown in and my mother had not told me to shave so I did not shave my bikini line.  I recall being embarrassed by the long pubic hairs on my thighs but too shy to shave as I had not been guided to.  Perhaps they thought i was some kind of Lolita, wanting people to ooggle my pubic hair.  Maybe this sexual situation was the first to shock and annoy them.  I have heard stories of other people being ostracized because of not shaving.

I thought that someone who worked for an organization who champions rights would be interested in my theories of human rights violations and when she did not respond I told her employer in an email.  That forever skunked that friendship possibility, even though it was already non existant.  For twenty some years she had not been intersted it me.  One reason I found out was that my letter writing was a bore.  I always started out my letters as a child to her with "how are you? I am fine."  This never varied and I thought it funny.  She thought me to be intellectually challenged and judged me as non worthy of her friendship, because it appeared as if I was dull.

The culture at the lake was not one where in people reinforced each others egos.  No, rather is was marked by competitive language and what my mother always called "PUT DOWNS".  One time I asked my galpal, if she was still living at their friends mansion.  I got called on the carpet for being nosey and medling in their financial affairs.  I only meant it innocently.  The nature of many of their interactions were condescending, so when I asked where she was living it was taken wrong.  The friendship was never the same after that.

I was the first to marry of any of them and the first to have children and now I see that reason for that, I would be the first of my generation to cross over to the land of the dead.  I had to rush into life in order that I would see my children's children.

The person above who I wrote my monatonous letter greetings to has a low tolerance of christians and believes them to be hypocrites.  I have several christian friends and they are very kind and not as competitive psychologically as the lake people were.  What is the meaning for our time on earth?  Is it to love and be loved?  The lake people don't love me, the former family of my husband's don't love me and I have several friends who have abondoned me.  There are good people in the world.  I know that I have hurt people and I am thankful for the people who care about me and realize that my mind is not under my control when I am sick with the bipolar delusions.

I felt very bonded to these friends at the lake, but it was not reciprocated.....They were my culture but I did not measure up.  Did I go wacko from rejection or was I rejected cuz I was wacko?

Thursday, February 15, 2018

Burnt in the Burnt Over District

My personal drama was going on here in the Finger Lakes and it was a drama about magic. Certainly there must be something magical about the finger lakes. I called it radioactivity while ill, but in retrospect, the magic is about qi, or life force, energy. All energy is wavelengths. I had an epiphany about the finger lakes. If you recall, this area was call the burnt over district in the past, referring to the religious fervor of the area. I proposed that perhaps this psychological phenomenon was because of the geology. Our underground rock is shale over limestone. The oldest fossil of a tree was discovered in Naples, NY. The limestone formation is an ancient seabed, perhaps from the time of Pangea. ( the orginal continent). I proposed that Keuka lake was a highly radioactive area because of these formations. Quite true to my vision, radon is a problem in the area. My theory was that people were affected by the radioactive formations in the eighteen hundreds and the the vibrations from the earth and soil caused people to become political activists. The Finger Lakes area is home to many movers and shakers of the past. There is Frederick Douglas and Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Susan B. Anthony and Amelia Bloomer. The first female doctor, Elizabeth Blackwell, was educated in Geneva Ny. The first female minister was in Wayne county. In auburn we have Harriet Tubman and Seward. This area was home to revolutionaries.

Is it possible that these people had a form of radioactive psychosis which made them so brave and so able to think about world problems and solutions? It was against the law for women to dress in pants, so it came about locally that a radical woman invented bloomers. Bloomers made it easier for women to bicycle. The bicycle revolutionized the female experience. We also are the home of glenn curtiss, early aviator. Much was going on in this area, maybe there is a direct relationship with charges from the soil going to people's brains.

I had a theory that after the civil war, southerners moved her to take over the holy ground as well as germans after world war II. My delusions took a darker turn and I fantasized that in the present time it was known by secret organizations about the energies of the area and that the there are coded businesses, which are exhibits which prove such. If you enter the canandaigua area from the north there is a kentucky fried chicken (Southern)on rt 332 and an Aldi's store(German.) I figured out that the Finger Lakes area is a Little Germany. Reisling wine is so popular, here. I researched, Reisling area was the last stand of German troops in homeland Germany. I fancied that when people toasted Reisling wine, they were toasting to the continuation of WWII. I proposed that we rename keuka lake Krum See, German translation of Keuka Lake. (Crooked Lake)

The KKK is a secret organization, they do not broacast their presence. I envisioned that I was a secret KKK sex slave. I had this realization, that if you were a liberal, or a non racist person you were turned into a multiple personality entity which was then enslaved. I had even darker visions that in each family this be enslaved or be a slaver drama was taking place. If people talked, they were told that they were mentally ill and given medications. It is true that in the movies, for instance, Rosemary's baby, the plot line is take the medications if you are not in the secret society. This further led me to the belief that we live in a society of people on the in on secrets and those that our duped or medicated and left out of the secret activities. I identified with the revolutionaries of an earlier time and wanted to expose the conspiracies and be a heroe to the no nothings and the secret sex slaves.


I found a librium in my bedside table and believed I was being enslaved. If a person had multiple personalities they do not usually recall events that happen in each different personality. I started having memories which were what I thought were dreams that were break throughs to the different conscious awareness. The question came to my mind, are multiple personalities actually possession by another spirit? I in 2012 I spoke in a different language for three days. Sometimes I would talk in a different accent. I started recalling different events which involved different characters in my life, such as my art instructor. I had a dream in which I heard his voice talking to me while I slept. I imagined I must have I heard him while in a different personality. The voice in the dream was a crossover between two personalities. I found bruises on my inner thighs which could not be accounted for. I went for help to my therapist and she was not supportive, she asked, “ You don't like being a sex slave?” Others asked, “Where is this pornography, that you suspect has been made of you?” I said, “On the dark internet.” The dark internet consists of different browsers that people gain access to via the secret society memberships. The dark internet is a real life reality.

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

Neurology and Death

Several months ago I noticed that my tongue deviates to the left and when i get in the car, my left leg is sluggish.  I should have been alarmed by these findings but my mental state has been dulled by abilify maintaina and i did not react appropriately.   When I noticed these things I should have gone to a neurologist.  I have been kicked out of Ontario neurology associates due to my radioactivity conspiracy theories that I mailed to them in 2016.  I called this morning to see if I could be forgiven but the answer was no, sorry, you have been DISCHARGED.  One would think neurologists would be more understanding.  I will have to drive to Rochester for an appointment at the U of R.  Hopefully, I will be accepted there.  A family friend works there and my former neighbor, they might not want to serve me either.

The thing about tongue deviation and uvula deviation (to right) is that it could be tumors on my cranial nerves.  That could mean brain mets.  If brain mets is the case, then I might only have a short time left in my life.

Perhpas the deviated tongue is just a side effect of abilify maintaina and there is no brain mets.  We shall see.

If I am terminally ill, I really need to get a burial plot bought.  I am curious about the cost.  There is a park in Ithaca where one can be intered au naturelle, pine box, no toxic chemicals.  I like that idea....resting in a forest preserve..............................being reclaimed by mother earth, fawns and woodchucks nearby. greensprings

The other option is a Roman Catholic cemetary.  I did go to Mass on Sunday and intend on going to confession during lent.....get things right with the Godly system that I so insulted.

Friday, February 9, 2018

A day in the life of Amy

I got a lot done yesterday, I walked to town to have my taxes done.  They were done by an old family friend and he gave me a good price for the service.  While walking my Aunt Cora started talking to me from the other side and she complained about my mother.  then on the way home my mother complained to me about my Aunt Cora.  Seems families still have issues on the other side.  While I was falling asleep my ex brother in law who died in 94 came to me and sang the song lyrics im burning I'm burning for you.  He wanted me to pray a partial rosary for him and I lit a candle for each of them.  I prayed the rosary decade of the light mysteries, the one about the sermon on the mount.  He wants me to reconcile with the Catholic church and also to get into my old blogs and republish posts I had taken down.  He told me I was not the reason for their marriage problems, that there was another person involved.  He and I flirted a little but he knows I was taken up in my mind with someone else at the time.

I fighting the wolf inside me++ I recall the events where I lusted after another man.  The tension inside was a spiritual quest and I never did commit adultry.  I was dealing with my inner wolf back in my 20 s and thirties.

I got a haircut yesterday and I also bought bowel prep items.  I set my alarms to wake up to take antibiotics and i saw no phosphenic images when I awoke...  Yesterday I awoke to the vision of a decorated elephant.

I bought some life insurance, as I have yet to be diagnosed.  The new york life ins agant sold me some gerber life insurance.

Thursday, February 8, 2018

cook your way through crisis

A few weeks ago I needed to make sheppards pie for a friend for his birthday.  In the tumult of 2016 I tossed my little pot pie cook book.  I did the recipe somewhat from memory and it was tasty enough.  I thought I could replace that book on amazon, which I did not.  instead I upgraded and bought a new pot pie book by a great cook.  I intend to cook all forty before i die and I am on number four.  number three I cooked for my son last night, was a russian cabbage pie.


I love you Beatrice A. Ojakanagas.  These pies are delishious.  Beatrice is a renoun contributor to many cooking magazines such as Gourmet and the New York times etc.

Even the little ones enjoyed the Russian cabbage pie.  The first one i tackled was a Morrocan chicken pie with filo dough.  Next i cooked a finish salmon pie with wild rice.

I am in crisis with my health, and focusing my energies on cooking is very theraputic and centering.  I have always enjoyed cooking and I love to share these adventures with my grown children.  Pot pies are the ultimate in comfort food.  I  have been making them for years, starting with chicken pot pie and then sheppards pies.  I have made quiches.  This is a step up for me!